I probably haven’t clocked nearly as many hours in Skyrim as the average RPG nerd, yet I’ve amassed a large cache of little personal stories culled from my journeys. Every time I boot it up I manage to stumble across some strange encounter, some random circumstance, some oddball situation I get myself into that makes me chuckle and go “WTF.” You can read about my first round of bizarre, bite-sized exploits here. I’ve added a few more to the pile for your amusement. Fellower adventurers, I give you: Weird Things I’ve Done In Skyrim That Were F#*%ing Awesome (Volume 2)!
Tastes Like Chicken- I don’t like to waste things. I’m also impatient when it comes to finding safe routes to descend from high places. Riding my trusty steed straight off a seemingly short drop down a cliffside into a village below proved to be a bad idea. When we both crumpled to the ground ragdoll-style in slow-motion, I figured we were goners. Not so. It turns out my pal broke my fall, but he didn’t live long enough for me to thank him. I felt bad just leaving him there all akimbo with his virtual horse meat rotting in the hot sun. So I ate him.
Whoopsie – A visit to Whiterun’s taught me that quick reflexes and gut instincts aren’t always a good thing. When the Jarl’s snooty nay-sayer of an advisor suggested I was indeed not the dragonborn, since I didn’t have proof, my immediate thought was “That’s bullshit, look, I can do this loud shouty thing, see?!” Of course, I accompanied this thought with an instinctive press of the shout button…aimed squarely at the dude’s face. He didn’t like that. Ever have an entire kingdom go from adoring you as thier newfound hero to instantly decide you are Satan icarnate? Yeah, not so much.
Nyeah Nyeah Phhhhhttttt! – Undead aren’t known for their wits, but they make up for it by being able to hand your ass to you. When it came down to either facing off against another dragon-slaying encounter I wasn’t prepared for or wandering into a skeletor-infested mine to score some extra loot and XP, I chose the latter. Said spelunking adventure was going smoothly until I ran into a bastardly old lich who kept disarming me, nuking my flesh off, and carving me up like a X-mas turkey. After dying a dozen times, I came up with a simple solution: Running around in circles like a giddy schoolgirl frolicking on the playground while keeping ol’ Lichy’s sacrificial altar between us and peppering him with blasts of magic and some Thu’um action. Apparently dead dudes can’t jump.
Finders Keepers – I arrived in one remote hard-scrabble town just in time to witness a beheading – cheered on by a sizeable crowd of onlookers no-less. At first I figured I’d try to intervene, but that only resulted in me getting gutted by the well-armed guardsmen in a hot minute. On my second go around I opted to stay my hand and watch the execution carried out. Poking around after the deed was done, I found the poor fellow’s severed head. I looted it. So sue me.
Stay tuned for more Skyrim shenanigans as they unfold!